Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
