Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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