it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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