the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
