Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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