This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
