Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
