She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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