I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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