apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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