I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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