my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Randomize
