remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize