You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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