Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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