I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
should my penis look like a turkey
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
