So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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