So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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