I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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