i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
