There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
