all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
