Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
