Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
