so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
