Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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