insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
