Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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