there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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