The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
