i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize