Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
