Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
