It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
