Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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