I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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