i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
