Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
