My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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