her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
