we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
