I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
The struggles of a small town man whore
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
