My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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