I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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