the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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