We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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