two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
