She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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