walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
