My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
