New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Randomize
