apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
