I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
