I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
