what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize