They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
