just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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