I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
