FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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