girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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