have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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