She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
