youre lurking in front of me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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