My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
