mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
